Stock-taking!

More than a year of absence...has it really been that long?! A year older surely, but am I any wiser? A year of gambles, significant highs, very down-and-out lows, heart wrenching decisions... A year of much thinking, talking, travels and travails. And time speeding by, deafening me with the noise. Time for some stillness, maybe?

What is the right answer anyway?

If you could have any corporate job you wanted, what would you choose? What is going to swing your vote? Industry, sector, function, boss, pay, perks, car, prospects what? Is it a HR myth that good work can keep you motivated? Or is it all about the money? When does the marginal utility of money start tanking? Would you choose a flat on Marine Drive over interesting work? To each, his own...maybe? Remove pay from that equation, it is a no risk situation. Then what? Would you rather sell trucks in the back of beyond or watches in malls? Would you sweat it out in factories or worry about the colour of bed linen in hotels? Become EA to a real big guy...become a tea plantation manager even!! Or are you saying all of this is completely pointless...non profit is the way to go? How do you go about choosing? Does it even really matter, what you choose? How do u filter through the glossy sheen of HR spin and evaluate a job of what it is worth? Can all of us ever arrive at a consensus on what the best job is? If we can't, why are we so insecure? Why all the gossip, the rumours and the networking? Why the persistent need for external validation? Is it simply because we are a bunch of kids who have never done any soul searching? Or worse, after years spent in academic learning, do we have no solid clue of who we really are and what we actually like to do? And all that two years of B-school has taught us is to compare salaries and run the race to 'Day Zero'? Has years of doing whatever it takes to succeed left us with confusion and self doubt when there is no clear way to defined 'success'? Why am I secretly wishing for Excel models with swot analysis and fancy graphs and seniors' judgements on what a great role is? Somehow, that doesn't quite feel right...does it? Career seem to be too random to be all planned out. Or maybe, as someone said, it is a multi-dimentional multi-variable equation with no easy solutions. So should we still keep putting fight? Bottomline, what is it that I really really want to do? Where my parents took that call about a lifetime of the exact same work with the same employer without deliberate thought, I am two months down with no clarity. Yeah yeah, I do know that having this choice is a privilege. So now where? The clock has started ticking...

Growth pangs and staying young

I attend A's 25th birthday party the other day. A pretty loud affair, considering the NM gang involved. A's sister who is the party planner is impressive as the gracious hostess. Maybe it runs in the family, the promise of warmth, pampering and comfort that comes with being around them. Of course, the bunch of us who are present do seem to need some...I do, for sure. After a past week spent mulling over career choices (nothing that dramatic though, just a matter of one project over another), fretting over appraisals and cribbing over the shifting of non existing stationary, I end up ill and irritable by Thursday night. Which means arriving later than what would be fashionably late with no gift and a card which is terribly inappropriate. That is all I can get my hands on in a hurry...I scribble something sentimental and slightly sarcastic on it and hope that it passes off okay considering my general personality (hmmm, yeah...well :P)

I look around and alternate between thinking this is a grown up bash and a super kiddish party. There is a balloon bursting game which I am sure I have played in fourth standard...good fun it is still. There is a lot of hugging, how-u-doing and air-kissing of acquaintances, a little bit awkward like kids trying to be all grown up. The talk in the room is all about who is moving to which company and who is working how hard. There are employer shifts, industry shifts and career mapping discussions. There are also nostalgia laden discussions about "incidents" all of which involve someone or other's foot-in-the-mouth moments all of which end with someone sighing "those were the days..." A lot of us sound old with our health complaints...someone has a back problem, some else a migrane. There is A's friend who comes in with a six month old baby and talk suddenly shifts among the women as to how we kids are all grown up now. Two past-teachers-now-friends start discussing how it would be cool to play with our kids. I roll my eyes at the other single girl listening to the conversation and tell the kid-enthusiasts to take it easy...We are asked to scribble whatever we like on A's white t-shirt and I write "stay young". I notice that someone else has scribbled "get a life, get a girl". Freudian slips, me thinks.

And then ...suddenly there are hushed voices and the birthday song singing...a BIG birthday cake is brought in and the blowing of the candles takes a loooong time, obviously accompanied by much teasing and leg pulling. And as A cuts the cake with his parents, sister, cousins and friends crowding around him...it looks wonderful. They laugh heartily...each face flushed with happiness and joy. Not a single picture is posed for, everyone is too involved in the celebrations to bother with the clicking. There is a treasure hunt kinda game which goes on forever because hidden behind each clue is a story related to A, all narrated amidst much chuckling (for us) and embarrassment (for him). Suddenly my mood improves. And I feel that beyond the superficial illnesses and the cribbing about work and the unhappiness over salaries and the complications of our love lives, this is indeed a great time to celebrate...we are as young and happy and shiny as we will ever be. Later of course, the birthday boy lets me know that I had forgotten to sign the card but of course it "was clearly from you". Whatever.

What do u choose?

Mind numbing regularity of a job profile or the nail biting ambiguity of changing projects? Stable steel or happening telecom? The suffocation of micro managing bosses or the uncomfortable autonomy of the demanding ones? Absolute perfection or passable effectiveness? Conversational acquaintances or sincere colleagues? Personal goodwill or business efficiency? Impossible numeric sales targets or shiny polished PPTs? The fleeting semantics of corp communication or the uncomprehending quant models of Treasury? Work or weekends? Intriguing play or happening party? Eclectic Kala Ghoda or fantasy movie? Fruit salad - with or without ice cream? Calming yoga or the rush of running? Pre breakfast workout or post dinner stroll? Escapist Bollywood or parallel cinema reels? Micro bites of Google Reader or good old books? Buzzing on or off? Bare-it-all Blogger or secretive diary entries? Seth Godin or HighHeelConfidential? Trendy Westside or ethnic FabIndia? Formal skirts or conservative salwars? The domesticated comfort of dal or the edgy taste of Thai? Temptation of frequent flier miles or the settling calmness of a long distance drive? Gossip girl or Friends? Farmer or hunter? Life that is interesting or happy (apparently, you can't have enough of both according to recent research :|)? Me? Mostly I just go with inky, pinky, ponky :D

La resolución del año nuevo - primera parte

Yeah yeah, one of my New Year resolutions is to give photo clicking a shot - http://sharanya.aminus3.com/ You can guess another one by looking at the title, can't you? Smart, no? NO? What you saying? Okay never mind. Spanish learning is the other new craze, not to mention Telugu :D

Hopefully will sustain interest and learn new things. It is interesting to start something with absolute ignorance...even half a step up gives a tremendous sense of achievement :D Clearly my lack of talent in picking up new languages matches mine at taking good shots, so it has been interesting so far - reading, browsing through sites...makes me feel like I have a life beyond work. Though of course most of the pics clicked are during my work travels. Anyway, pleez to be visiting and commenting...this is a fraaaanship request, I say :D

Us versus Them

There are times when I have felt angry. Okay, make that ANGRY like Jade says. When I have felt all helpless, hopeless and alone. Truly, frighteningly, achingly alone, with no one to turn to for help. When I feel like kicking / hitting / killing someone just to get the rage out of my system. When I know I should be doing something, anything...except that something is so hard to figure out at that exact point. I tell myself I can identify the wrong kind, am no damsel in distress. And then I realize I can't/don't.

Like that incident in September when I was travelling from office in BKC to home in one of those share cabs. The share cabs from BKC are generally populated by blue collared office goers, people who don't want to wait for the overcrowded buses and prefer to shell out a little more to reach home in time. It is around 7 in the evening and I get a window seat. There are two men to my left. The uncle seated next to me could very well be a neighbour....fifty-ish, greying, well dressed middle level executive with a Blackberry in hand. I don't even register his face...am busy listening to songs on my mobile. The guy at the other window is around my age. Very soon, I doze off....I always fall asleep while in moving vehicles...only to be jolted out of it by something grazing my knee. I realize with a shock that it is my neighbour's hand. I turn to him, he looks the other way...his hand now rested on his own knee.

What the hell? No, no...it is a mistake. I am not imagining it....am I? Why would he do that...what joy out of touching my knee?!?! Technically not even that, am wearing a knee length kurta and churidar...he is feeling the fabric rather. He doesn't look like a shady guy...Maybe, with the traffic jam and sudden braking....don't be so paranoid. Take a deep breath and relax...look out of the window. Oh damn, he is doing it again even as I watch!!

I lift my laptop bag from my lap all of a sudden and slam it down on my own knees. He jerks his hand away, his fingers hit by my bag. My knees are hurting too, except I am beyond caring at this point. He shifts position and turns to face the other side. The third guy looks at both of us wonders about the tension in the air and then shrugs and looks away. I want to shout...except I can't bring myself to. I feel like crying...except I tell myself I won't. I want to get out of the cab....except I feel like a coward for running away. I want to stand ground and fight...except I feel defeated already. He will feign ignorance, look around outraged by my claims and tell me to stop such natak, he is a decent guy, you are my daughter's age etc. I know I can't win this argument....but I feel angry and disappointed with myself for not trying. I think and plot and brood and over-analyze....in vain. I tell myself I won't run....but I can't get myself to confront either.

We sit this way till my stop...I get down and slam the door. The taxi driver tells me to go easy on his car door. I tell him it the guy I want to hit and walk away. The taxi driver is perplexed for a second, I see his eyes widen in understanding as he drives away. And I walk home feeling like I am fighting terrorism. In this battle of Us. vs. Them or rather Me vs. Him, the Him could be just about anyone. Nothing really matters, nothing can forewarn you...time, place, person....nothing. And it could be anything, words, glances, touches and chases...Parents will worry, girl friends will empathize and swap stories, brothers and male friends will want to hunt him down... And life will go on, with more such attacks and no respite. Call me old and cynical, but I don't even feel that angry anymore...just wary, weary and alert. And sad. Anyway, I haven't taken any share cabs since, moved back to good old trains. I haven't dozed off in cabs since then, something that surprises people who know me very well. I am all grown up now, I offer. In a way, it is loss of innocence.

Things that fill my days...

Happiness that a hall in XY hotel in faraway Ananthpur (AP) is available for booking on a Wednesday morning and hence I can book the same. yay!!

Outrage that YZ hotel in Karimnagar is the only one in the whole town and hence the hall rents are incredibly high

Contentment that all the 105 invited fertilizer outlet owners in Guntur turn out for the above mentioned meeting :)

Relief that the Central govt copped out and gave a very generic "we shall consider all parties' views" wala statement on the Telengana issue....aaahh!

Suspense that arises from racing to catch the only flight from Vijayawada. The delay completely my fault since I fall asleep in the hotel room. The driver rushes madly all worried that if I miss my flight, he might be blamed. I reach the airport for the 5.30 p.m. flight at 5.20 p.m. and try to beg my way through. Doesn't work, obviously. Am forced to take a normal overnight bus to Kurnool. I travel alone, very uncomfortable with the thought that there isn't even one other female in the bus. I manage to settle down and start watching the Telugu movie playing in the bus...without understanding a word. They stop for food at a brightly lit roadside eatery and I order 2 chapatis and sit alone at a table. I randomly remember the talk with Roomie a few days back where she mentioned that sometimes during her work travel she felt like she was in a movie. The chapatis arrive and then I realize that there is no way I can eat so much for dinner. Calling them chapatis is definitely a misrepresentation....now I get why the cashier gave me a very startled look when I bought the coupons. After a night's journey on a very bumpy road and repeated glances from the guy sitting in the opposite seat, I wake up around 4.30 am to chatter that the bus has reached Kurnool. Am straining hard to figure it out since we are supposed to reach the place at 8.30 am. I ask the conductor in broken Hindi, only to be assured in Telugu that this is Kurnool and I should get off asap. They dump me with my suitcases at some junction and I ask them to speak the driver over the phone. Only after they leave do I realize that I neither know the local lingo nor the addresses of where I am standing in the dark and the hotel I am supposed to check into. I look around hard, trying to find some clue of what area it is. There are only cute little handcarts around me, one of them named "Kentaki Chinese Chicken". After a good half an hour, the driver arrives and drops me at the hotel. Phew! pretty harsh punishment for missing the flight, indeed...

And of course, Love for the office canteen boy (in a generic way :P) The lowe since my present employer has an impeccable record of feeding us. I travel to different offices across states...what doesn't change is the constant stream of masala teas, cucumber sandwiches and fruit salads all the time...